A Breast Hit Man

Sign me up.

Oh wait...what are the duties? Making the corporatocracy rich and rigging ad campaigns and putting babies' lives in danger...? Hmm. I hear what you are saying, but how close to "hitting a breast" would I get? No where near? Even on Cap Hill? Okay, okay. Thanks. I don't think I want the position, but keep my CV on file.

I was solicited today to join Facebook. And I kicked her Face(book) in.

I have mentioned this in an earlier post. I guess I have to be balding and crotchety in an adorable "freelance writer" sort of way to get noticed.

Back to the Gibbs Sampler.

Get Marky-Mark on the phone.

We will call it, "The Mexican Job."

We'll leave out the mini-coopers though ... we'll borrow lame-@$$ Ford's kick-@$$ Chrysler 300 from the lame-@$$ "Firewall."

That's the spirit. The spirit of the old.

I didn't play in high school or college - so maybe I can play four years after I retire.

Can anyone contain McCrary?

Play the video.

Also, Age Of Love - recently saw the finale. Mission accomplished - they're extinct.

Some odds. Some ends.

Kanye gives props to Timberlake. I'm not so interested in that, but more between the bet between 50 cent and Kanye concerning their careers.


I personally used Vick's jersey to piss off my dad - by wrapping my dead mother in it.


Matt Murphy got to go to Australia, acquired overnight fame, and now will be rich - for being a Met's fan in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And, just what is a slugging percentage? - An average.

And speaking of baseball, the O's suck by 27.

That's fine - means season tickets will be muy cheapo next season.

It's simple - I love justice.

There aren't enough trains in the world.

Failure - but tuning

Listen: I succumbed and ate out today. But I went three days straight without paying any organization to give/cook me food, and for me is a great start.

And it disgusted me. $8.90...! That's nearly a fourth of my allowance on one meal!

Meanwhile, sportsteams spend 30 dollars on pills to prevent fat bricks of men from overheating ... I'm told 30 dollars could feed a child for a month! It's as if these men are eating a child a day, and being praised for it!

I borrowed from the library "Ultra Marathon Man," and it is about this man, who ran 50 marathons in 50 days in 50 different states.

I'm back on track. I'm experimenting so that when schools starts I'll be a 35 dollar a week champion.

Long live the Longhorns.

Farewell to Chipotle

I increased the bandwidth in anticipation of the traffic for this post.

Yes, the man who ate at Chipotle at least 4 times a week, the man who ate there so frequently he often got his meals comped or police-discounted (1/2 off total bill), the man who when eating at a Chipotle up the street from the other one in the Inner Harbor was called a "traitor" by the Inner Harbor Chipotle manager when she returned a borrowed cheese grater, the man who advocated quesadillas as the cure for burrito-boredom (only if the store is not busy - they take longer), the man who always respected the sneezeguards, the man who tried out his horrible spanish for a spell for ordering his burritos - is saying goodbye to Chipotle.

Wall Street Journal: Is this because Li'l Rove is resigning?

fantasticterrific: No. But it is related.

WSJ: Explain.

ft: The past year in Charm City I only used one card and thereby was able to quantify the amount of money I spent at Chipotle. It is an underestimate due to the kind discounts I received along the way. Between 08/15/2006 and 06/27/2007, I spent more than $705.61 dollars there. And the cost was not only money - it took time, at least 2 hours per trip due to my refilling habits and the fact I do not own a car. Also, my waist [circumference] line grew by 8 inches.

WSJ: Holy s#(t.

ft: I know.

WSJ: Did eating at Chipotle remind you of the Square State? Was it a comfort food?

ft: It was - in the beginning. As time wore on it had more of the tell tale signs of addiction. I once broke into a Chipotle for a bag of chips.

WSJ: Do you want me to print that?

ft: I'm coming clean, baby. Print it all. This summer I did some reading - books with such titles as Blue Like Jazz, Through Painted Deserts, Revolution In World Missions, and Confessions of An Economic Hitman. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I consume way too much. I am so fat and so rich and all I have is this hunger in my belly to have more. Going out to eat is a status symbol. It is this feeling of power, going in to a place and having food made for you like you are a big shot. Even if it is fast food.

WSJ: What's next?

ft: I just want to gain awareness of my own habits. I want to stop consuming so much and thereby stop fueling the corporatocracy that Karl Rove and his friends have engineered. So, I'm living on 5 dollars a day.

WSJ: [sets 5 dollar cup of SBUX down cautiously] What?

ft: Just food. I am still going to pay rent and internet and cell phone bills and see movies and buy toiletries - but food...all I get is 5 dollars a day, including groceries.

WSJ: You'd be at the poverty level!

ft: In a sense, but not really. I still have shelter and clothes and a shower and an address and credit cards if emergencies pop up. But, every Saturday I will withdraw seven 5 dollar bills and go grocery shopping on Sunday. Whatever I do not spend on groceries will be "snack cash".

WSJ: A soda is going to become a real treat.

ft: That's point. To start realizing what I've been taking for granted for so long, and appproach, not attain, solidarity with the world's impoverished people.

WSJ: Are you a hippie?

ft: I should smack you in your mouth. I'm no hippie. I'm an American.

WSJ: Do you like Jimmy Joe Roche?

ft: We've collaborated a few times. He's a little too much into shock value for my taste, and I gave that up years ago.

WSJ: What about 39 West Lex?

ft: Listen, I never said that Iraq = al Qaeda = 9/11. I may go live in a swanky place. So be it.

WSJ: Is the journey for living on less just preparation for moving into a place that is beyond your lifestyle... are you testing to see if you can live on beans and rice so that you can dump hundreds of millions of cents and the blood of America's sons and daugthers into a higher rent payment on a Southwest Credit Card so that you get free tickets as well?

ft: We really are getting off track here.

WSJ: I will Black Monday your @$$ - answer the question.

ft: It could be spun that way.

WSJ: [rips off mask, to reveal Karl Rove was the interviewer all along] I suppose it could be, couldn't it.


*fin*

My life is going to be better.

Things are improving:

1) I got a paypass so that I can get these a lot more easily. It is really convenient.

2) I have ordered a swissgear backpack so I can be a one bag man when going to school and Iran. No more two one-strap bags, one for books, one for computer, both for looks.

3) I have purchased three laundry baskets/hampers. If I sort as I peel them off, then I won't have to frantically sort out clothes from a huge stinking pile later.

4) This place is now taking applications, so I can move 2 blocks over and be NOT assaulted when I exit my building. I will be the very first person to live in that apartment, which means I can be assured no one has had sex on the carpet (that is, before I move in).

5) I have every episode of How I Met Your Mother on my laptop. They are so light and delightful, but not vapid. I've enjoyed the 15 or so I've seen.

We are all New Yorkers.

"A fan wearing a Mets jersey wound up with the historic ball. Matt Murphy of New York emerged from the stands with the souvenir and a bloodied face, and was whisked to a secure room."

All this because a large man hit a large ball for a home-run 756 times.

Barry. Lamar. Bonds.

From this source.

My new hero, Ryan Hall.

Because of his Half Marathon time, a time I erroneously have stated in the past "would never happen."

Champion.

those crazy germans

How does he do it?

Love Me If You Can Lyrics

Cardinal Sin - Cursing

I can't blame him - I know I would swear like a marine if I were ever to go to battle.

I am Fantastic f***ing Terrific.

Awards are worth nothing.

I've been on a kick of looking up childhood football heroes and Superbowls, and am finding out a lot via wikipedia. A sample:

Pound that rock. John Gruden taunted a celebratory crowd after the Bucs' Superbowl victory against the Panty Raiders with "Pound! That! Rock!" I found it humorous that no one else joined in with him, and there was a collective "huh?" in the crowd. Well, looks like the Jags thought having a catchy phrase would get them a superbowl victory - instead, it nearly cost the punter his life.

Greg Lloyd. All I remember is that he was super strong. He was fined for shoving Brett Favre 12 feet (unnecessary roughness or late hit accusation). I just remember the commentators saying that it looked like a legitimate hit, and it would be ludicrous if he was fined for just being strong. He was fined for that - but should have been fined for shoving a gun in his son's mouth because of "poor grades."

And this little ditty about Eugene the Machine:
Bronco's 2nd Second Super Bowl Victory and the Morality of Man

Now, to Eugene's credit, the 40 dollars did not include the tip, which was going to be the friendship bracelet that his 8 year-old daughter gave him on his birthday.

Bart Starr - stop spinning!

Updates of Fatness - III

July 16th
weight: 275.0 lbs
waist: 47.5 in
l. arm: 16.0 in
l. calf: 17.75 in

July 23rd
weight: 279.5 lbs
waist: 47.5 in
l. arm: 16.0 in
l. calf: 17.75 in


Shoot. So much for my month of weight loss. I might re-instate my plan to touch 300...just like my pal Amobi Okoye.

Heart(s) of a Champion

Just got back from Denver.

Had two friends wuss out on seeing me. They have no heart.

However, in the game of Hearts, my first time playing, I found myself with 88 points. If I was forced to take the queen of spades, I'd be a goner.

However, I played it cool. I started accumulating hearts, telling everyone how I wanted to go home. With four cards in my hand, I started the play by laying a card down on the table. I had three left in my hand.

Ms. Fiancee laid a card less than mine, in suit (not a spade).

Then Mr. Fiancee looked at Ms. Fiancee, and said, "Hon, have you collected any hearts in this round?"

She stopped thinking about her can in a wedding dress for one second and answered, "Yes, sweetums."

Then that fat codger laid down the Unlucky Lady.

Then the fourth person laid down a card less than mine, in suit.

The taunting began but no tears were in my eyes. I checked the cards I had collected to see which heart I should play next. This caused a controversy as to whether I could check them or not, and the majority decided that I could. This is key.

My checking my cards caused people to have loose stools. They frantically starting checking their cards...turns out Ms. Fiancee was mistaken - she had no hearts...and neither of the other gentlemen had any collected cards, which left me with an Unlucky Lady with 11 Hearts.

And 2 more in my hand.

Softly the words from the stereo washed over the table, "and somewhere in the darkness, the gambler he broke even..."

Needless to say, I shot the frickin' moon, which landed me at 62 and added 26 to everyone, sending Ms. Fiancee over the 100 mark, ending the game.

And THAT'S how you play Hearts!

Capitol Security in the Square State

Man, Charm City was supposed to be the dangerous one, but now Denver has played host to an NFL player being gunned down before Christmas and now a crazy emperor-wannabe assailing Cap Hill.

I say we put future threats in a blender with an iPhone for good measure.

Updates of Fatness - II

July 16th
weight: 275.0 lbs
waist: 47.5 in
l. arm: 16.0 in
l. calf: 17.75 in


My increase in calf circum. must be from all the ladies I was kicking off at a Shifty Wedding. Cougars and Kittens alike were giving my profile the eye, and my butt the "accidental" pat.

It just goes to show that as age goes up, so does fatness, yet, so does a female's desperation.

I also got wicked sun-burnt, so maybe they thought I was drunk with inhibitions nil.