On Family Planning and Polygamy

I know why polygamy fell out of favor.

Comedians would be quick to point out something about males not being able to take the nagging times 10 and middle school boys (the ones with the deeper voices) would say "guys can only do it like, 8 times in a row, which leaves two ladies out of luck, yo."

But I venture it was neither the nagging nor the sexual insurmountability.

There was no birth control in the Before Christ days, therefore family planning was used. Most husbands who were sensitive (Nicholas Sparks came from this line) did not mind abstaining from the *act* for half-months and having one wife. However, real men (like Ayn Rand...I know, she's a woman, but if you've read any of her stuff, you'd do a Man Show salute in her honor...or at least for Howard Roarke) realized that if they staggered their sexual partners correctly, they could have sex without the fear of children being created.

Thus polygamy was born.

Now, God had been maxing and relaxing up to this point (He created everything and thought that humanity would 'get it' since he created Adam and Eve and not Adam and Eve and Chloe and Gina.) However, humanity did not 'get it', and thought it had found a loophole to understanding a partner's needs and way and having a new bun in the oven every 9 months.

It was then that God did the most staunchly passive-aggressive thing ever.

He did not make a commandment against polygamy. He did not knock on the door and yell "Cut it out...I'm serious! Stop it now!" Instead, He introduced into the world the strange phenomena where women living in close quarters with one another all drift towards a common menstrual cycle.

Thus, the staggering would be in vain, and the poor hapless old testament codger would be left with either a lot of children, a lot of nagging Delilahs, or both.

Don't believe me? It's science!

On Children and Usefulness

I was waiting in New York (City!) for a package to be found in the post office. I wondered, while very smart and adept personnel searched for my friend's parcel, what I would do if the package required a dollie (or wheel-barrow...).

Would I wuss out and ask for a re-delivery?

No. I would give five dollars to one of the kids playing hookie that was wearing those annoying/cool shoes with a wheel in the heel. I would tell him to stand as stiff as a board, then I would waddle the box up on his feet. Then, I would tip him back, enacting the wheel action of his super sick-nasty-licious shoes and dollie my parcel past glory and eternal cleverness home.