What am I supposed to do with Trunk briefs?

So, I'm in Target. Their brand recognition is undeniable with all of the catchy advertising. I think when robots are not dreaming of electric sheep, they're dreaming of people dreaming about that bullseye.

Anywho.

I need things.

The list:

Nivea Toner (to shape up a fat face)
OK Go CD #1: OK Go.
OK Go CD #2: Oh no.
Under-roos. (to shape up a fat can)
Wedding gift.

I rarely purchase music from a store, but I figure that I have a 7 hour solo drive to get to a wedding rehearsal that I might as well treat myself. OK Go impressed me on New Year's, so we'll see if they impress me en route to Durango.

The under-roos. I know I like Fruit of the Loom, and I know the size. I don't care about the colors. I don't care how many come in a pack either. All I want are the boxer briefs. I want the package picture to depict this clearly.

Go.

Go now.

Go now to a store and find a pack of Fruit of the Loom's Boxer Briefs, Large.

Blink your eyes.

What!? They've changed to "Trunk Briefs"...are you sure?

Is the picture exactly the same as the Boxer Briefs?

Injustice?
A money drain?
Body image problem reinforcement on a level only The Adonis Complex would address?


I know!

I feel your pain.

I was trying to be a responsible nomad and buy some under-roos. Somehow I got a pack of TRUNK and a pack of BOXER briefs. The pictures looks exactly the same. I blindly threw them into the washer pre-wearing them, so I'm screwed as far as returning these things. If I wanted to waste 10 dollars I would've rather at least gotten thrown out of a Hooters for placing a ten-spot tip where it has never been ("I was never a stripper, you pig!")

The wedding gift I purchased for the Bro in Durango was a bottle opener. Hopefully he will use it to open up many a brew to drink away the pain of marriage...or as an eye-gouger to poke away the pain of marriage.


We need rules, we need structure.

1) On the way down to Durango, only OK Go will be playing.
2) Do not fall in love with any bridesmaids.
3) Make them fall in love with you.
4) No beer.
5) Maybe a little.

I have a theory that "car bombs" do not curdle. I think someone started the rumor and everyone just chugs them now because they have a legitimate excuse besides being a boozehound.

Q: Why are you chugging that fine tasting beverage, Bill?
A: Because of science, Mary Ann!

I intend to waste a little money and find out how long it takes for the curdling to happen, if ever. I am going to enjoy that sweet drink. I owe it to the fine people in Massachussetts, whose chippable teeth disallow the quick drop of the shot glass, and who, also, support such fine caricatures as "Swift Boat" Kerry and "Chappaquiddick - you must acquit" Kennedy.

I'm trying to explain to my parents that I am moving to Baltimore in June, explaining to them how rushed it seems given I'm graduating and working on papers and going to class and trying to jump start a tormented-romantic lifestyle. They just told me to follow my heart and then my dad tried to convince me that the snow tires for my former car were "worth a lot of money" and "shouldn't be taking up space." He does the same thing to my friends that have flip-cell phones. The idea is for my dad to convince you that something you have is worthless and then he'll collect it from you and then turn a quick buck on it. If you ever want to win my dad over, just give him a bag of flip-cell phones in the front seat of a pick-up truck that has a 500-lb breakfast omelet in the bed and tell him it is all his. He will eat a glass samwich on your command.

I need to address Johnny Ca$h's "Sunday Morning" and how it played into my Easter, but now is not the time. I need to *know* my audience, and for all I know I'm being read by my grandmother's bridge club ("Are you sure this is it...you're grandson seems so mild mannered. He's so tall and kind - bringing down that can of prunes at the Kroger store for me. Yes, he did.")

Flex.
Breathe.


Lately I've been intrigued by long-distance relationships because I'm contemplating entering one...with myself.

I know! The Trunk Briefs...if it wasn't for the wedding I would go to the Body World exhibit with someone that is smarter than me, taller than me, and has a better credit score than me and I would deftly put the Trunk Briefs on the plasticized humans of yester-time. But no.

Of course, I've already put under-roos on art/scultpures before, so there's no need to be redundant...if I can find photos I will post. Grand Junktown will never be the same.

Toby..Toby, Toby. I went into a Wal*mart the other day, the first time in a long time, and there was his image, on an ad board for his latest: "Toby Keith: White Trash with Money."

Somehow, there is irony in Wal*mart displaying this.

Speaking of Wal*mart and given my nomadic nature, this might be of note.

I hear they have a Durango in Wal*mart. I'll be sure to check it out.

Yeah, I meant it like that.