Pranks

I really want to do this...

I went to the bathroom at Charm City U around 10am. I was at the urinal, and I felt like singing, but DIDN'T. I was glad that I chose not to sing, because when I went to wash my hands (it is a school of public health) I noticed a pair of shoes underneath one of the stalls.

I used the bathroom, the same bathroom, five hours later, and the same situation.

I wondered if it was the same guy stuck on the can. And if whether it was even a real guy - what if it was a mannequin?

Then I had a thought: what if I could put mannequins in every stall on a floor in every men's restroom. Some poor bloke would be running around the 3rd floor with a hand over his butt, contemplating the stairs while he's waiting for the elevator, nervously and repeatedly hitting the down button yelling "c'mon- C'MON".

But, let's adjust for gender -

If mannequins were put in all the stalls for men, men who need to urinate can survive.

Ladies.

A mannequin in every stall in every ladies restroom of a floor would cause pandemonium. The girls would not run around, but would line up outside the restroom. The queues would grow and the members of the queues would get restless, whip each other up via social interaction gossip and dissatisfaction verbiage and a mob would form and they would all charge into the restroom and tear down the stall walls to see mannequins sitting on the commodes...

and piss and dump their panties.

Names of kids

I was in Chipotle, wondering why my integration by parts was not working when I received the second call within 15 minutes from my sister:

sis: Why didn't you answer my first call - where are you -
ft: I -
sis: What are you doing in May?
ft: I'll be here, at Charm City U.
sis: Oh, well, I wanted to tell you that you're going to be an Uncle again!
ft: Name him "v du".
sis: No.
ft: I -
sis: Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?
ft: Will there be 800 dollars stuffed in the Turkey?
sis: Oh, baby's crying take care. Bye. Love you.

Maybe she would have liked "u dv" or "u v" better.

On my South-wing Veranda, my Chocolate Lab sunbathes

Man, this is tough. Being on new to the East coast all my new East coast friends think I live on these.

And my friends from the Square State, in the absence of phone calls and emails, think I survive on these.

The degradation of friendship

Note: throwing the laundry cap of liquid laundry detergent right in the wash works like a charm. And why am I using liquid like some kind of pansy? Because here in Charm City aka Humidity City, the powdered stuff chunks up unless it is in an airtight gunsafe.

And now onto some news.

My favorite line is "friends now know too much about them."

I wish I was on Facebook so I could protest the following:

1) The use of the word "friend." All 202030984 people "poked" are not friends. They are by and large acquaintances, if that. People you will never meet, and will only know that they love Dave Matthews just as much as you do and hate Starbucks just as much as you do and want a 10,000 dollar Cartier or Bust just like you do.

2) Being on Facebook.

To quote a good movie, "With friends like you who needs friends."

I just joined a We (Heart) Max Fischer group on MySpace, where real friendships are forged.

The line above was typed in Blogger where lonely people whine about the world and fabricate things like joining fanclubs.

Two finds

I've been bloggin a lot lately - making up for lost time perhaps.

Find 1: A perfectly good office chair put in the hallway as garbage. Just need to get the cat hair off the seat.

Find 2: Knowledge. I kept putting on the laundry cap back on my liquid laundry container, and soap would slowly ooze out and make everything all gummy. Today, I stared at the bottom of said cap and it said "after use, rinse or throw in wash".

So I threw it in the frickin' wash. I'll let you know how it goes!

-Stay At Home Dad

OK GO!

I saw these guys in New York and listened to them for 7 hours straight on a lonely trip to Durango.

Enjoy two great videos. (and I know how to embed them...they just take up too much space, ladies.)

Video1 (they did this dance for the folks in Time Square).
Video2

Death, where is thy stingray?

Ouch.

The Crocodile Hunter has fallen. As a humanist (and a human) I am saddened. As a statistician, I must say this might be an example of long run probability: the guy played with death on many occasions.

History: Silent Cal

I think the AP US History exam is getting easier. Here is a question from 2005:

Although Coolidge was known to be a skilled and effective public speaker, in private he was a man of few words and was therefore commonly referred to as "Silent Cal." It is said that a White House dinner guest once made a bet with her friends that she could get the President to say at least three words during the course of the meal. Upon telling Coolidge of her wager, he replied

a. "You lose."
b. "Ma'am, when I was six I crapped in a mason jar and gave it to my kid brother, Nosy Cal, as a chocolate ice cream treat."
c. "And you're ugly. But in the morning I will still be silent. And drunk. I mean - Winston! Come over here, if you please."
d. "I love you for your body - and nothing else."
e. "Kiss this."

Hey, I just beat that horse buried 6 feet under deader than dead.

Some jokes are getting quite old, in my opinion.

Like jokes involving alcohol. It's only the easiest button to push. We all GET it. Drinking alcohol leads to getting drunk and doing dumb things. Like the classic is for someone to ask someone who is acting a little unusual,

"How many have you had?"

or

"What's in your glass!?!"

Also, given I've just run the gauntlet of orientation here at Charm City U, the joke or jab involving the concept of PhD programs being very lengthy is old hat. Like when a dean announces to a group of of entering students, some masters and some phd:

"Enjoy your time here - whether it be a year, or for the PhDs three, four, seven, ten, twenty, elventy billion."

[kind laughter from me, real laughter from those who think this is joke].

Like, I think this is way more funny (albeit more obscure):

Girl: Do you like veggies or fruit with your cottage cheese?
ft: Fruit.
Girl: I figured you would.
ft: Is that a fat joke?

[this is funny because my bmi > eleventy billion, and fruits contain fructose which
lends itself to spike insulin moreso than the typical veggie which means it aids in
fat storage...or the angle of her making a fat joke when unprovoked, since she
is a very very nice girl.]

Or this:

Vivacious Lady: [talking to group of incoming students at meet and greet]: Fantasticterrific, what's the matter? You're so quiet.
ft: [beat] I'm the strong and silent type.

[this brought the house down. It got me invited to a party. However, at the party, it was Yale and Stanford boys club with stories about undergrad wastedness ("I drank a tequila, chased with a double tequila, and that really f###ed me up! [raucous laugther, because things that are obvious are really hilarious] )and being privileged ("I flew home to India to get my hair cut and eat a bigmac on the back of a skinny cow before the winter formal. 1st class. Daddy bought me two seats so I could stretch out. I drank for two as well, and that really f###ed me up! [raucous laughter, because things that are obvious are hilarious])).

Sidenotes of note:

Caramel flavored cream in Oreos: Yes.
Vanilla Frosties courtesy of equal opportunity loving Wendy's: Mind blowing.