A list of gripes. Cellularly.

1. The walkie talkie feature on certain cell phones. Square State only saw these on commercials, and thought it was the "cool" way to get business done. So, far I've only seen them in use for people to yell into them "Where you at?" only to have the staticky voice respond, "Where YOU at?"

2. Cell phone conversations in general. I'm not eavesdropping, I'm not stealing anyone's "public privacy." What I am getting is a lot of information that is redundant. Like when the plane lands and I hear the statement 80 times over, "The plane just landed. Yeah. Baggage claim. Okay. Thanks." Or on the Charm City University shuttle, "Yeah, I'm on the shuttle." I've decided I'm just going to start saying obvious things around people and hopefully they'll just assume that I have a bluetooth headphone set so small it fits in my nostril.

I'm writing a blog entry. Yep. Thanks.

3. The Shuttle of dreams destroyed
My choice on the shuttle is listening to a buxom asian girl talk about getting trashed at Fraternity parties and aspiring to be a hip-hop ballerina and wonder aloud why the fuzz off her leopard print stilletos is wearing off("Oh, I know, it's my Se7en Jeans! Tuh-Tah") or the Frat boys busy making mental notes to purchase certain Veterinary substances while clicking on the walkie talkie, "Where you at? Oh. A'ight. Rager. Dude. MCATS. Rich Dads. Wake Stevie. Just do it. Bench press." All this and on top of it the rattling. Everything rattles on the shuttles. I can now see the justification for people medicating themselves with iPods.

4. Girls in love with the character House, M.D.
or by proxy, Hugh Laurie because of his portrayal of the character House, M.D.
The easiest thing to do to snap them out of this is to have the following conversation:
girl: I just love House.
ft: What about him do you love?
girl: Just those analytical powers, and that intensity. His brilliance. His wit.
ft: Do you wish you could call him yours?
girl: Oh, fantasticterrific, do I ever!
ft: Do you think that he would turn off those powers when around you?
girl: What do you mean?
ft: He wouldn't stop being analytical or acerbically insightful. He would use those powers on you. He would analyze your frivolous expenditures at The Gap and Victoria's Secret and pointedly assert how irrational it is to spend so much time fretting over which pipping on the pillows will best tie together your first room out of the dormitories.
girl: No. No he wouldn't.
ft: Yes. Yes, he would.
girl: [tears, swelling of violin] He's a gentleman.
ft: He's a character in a situationally constructed hour.
girl: He's perfect.
ft: Only in your crush-world.
girl: F*** you, fantasticterrific.
ft: I'll still p/u the check, since the concept of equal rights equating to equal responsibility means nothing to you.
girl: Title IX.
ft: Can you haul a 240 lb man out of a burning tank, GI Jane?
girl: What movie is that quote from?


I am not just griping. I am proposing solutions:

1) With the Dems in Charge in Congress, make them outlaw Cellular Walkie Talkies.
2) Get the wunderkinds at MIT to develop a noise cancellation system that exists in the mouth pieces of cellphones that emit a wave to cancel out the user's voice so that one sided public conversations (esp the redundant ones) can be eliminated from bothering tax paying, God-fearing citizens in the greatest country in the world.
3) Blow up the shuttle. Drive it straight into City Hall.
4) Clone Hugh Laurie several million times. Brain wash him to only be analytical of other's besides the one that purchases him (something akin to the programming system in the hit movie, "AI." Say seven words and he'll love you long time and tear everyone else to pieces). Sell versions of him on ebay in time for Christmas and retire a bajillionaire.