Farewell to Chipotle

I increased the bandwidth in anticipation of the traffic for this post.

Yes, the man who ate at Chipotle at least 4 times a week, the man who ate there so frequently he often got his meals comped or police-discounted (1/2 off total bill), the man who when eating at a Chipotle up the street from the other one in the Inner Harbor was called a "traitor" by the Inner Harbor Chipotle manager when she returned a borrowed cheese grater, the man who advocated quesadillas as the cure for burrito-boredom (only if the store is not busy - they take longer), the man who always respected the sneezeguards, the man who tried out his horrible spanish for a spell for ordering his burritos - is saying goodbye to Chipotle.

Wall Street Journal: Is this because Li'l Rove is resigning?

fantasticterrific: No. But it is related.

WSJ: Explain.

ft: The past year in Charm City I only used one card and thereby was able to quantify the amount of money I spent at Chipotle. It is an underestimate due to the kind discounts I received along the way. Between 08/15/2006 and 06/27/2007, I spent more than $705.61 dollars there. And the cost was not only money - it took time, at least 2 hours per trip due to my refilling habits and the fact I do not own a car. Also, my waist [circumference] line grew by 8 inches.

WSJ: Holy s#(t.

ft: I know.

WSJ: Did eating at Chipotle remind you of the Square State? Was it a comfort food?

ft: It was - in the beginning. As time wore on it had more of the tell tale signs of addiction. I once broke into a Chipotle for a bag of chips.

WSJ: Do you want me to print that?

ft: I'm coming clean, baby. Print it all. This summer I did some reading - books with such titles as Blue Like Jazz, Through Painted Deserts, Revolution In World Missions, and Confessions of An Economic Hitman. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I consume way too much. I am so fat and so rich and all I have is this hunger in my belly to have more. Going out to eat is a status symbol. It is this feeling of power, going in to a place and having food made for you like you are a big shot. Even if it is fast food.

WSJ: What's next?

ft: I just want to gain awareness of my own habits. I want to stop consuming so much and thereby stop fueling the corporatocracy that Karl Rove and his friends have engineered. So, I'm living on 5 dollars a day.

WSJ: [sets 5 dollar cup of SBUX down cautiously] What?

ft: Just food. I am still going to pay rent and internet and cell phone bills and see movies and buy toiletries - but food...all I get is 5 dollars a day, including groceries.

WSJ: You'd be at the poverty level!

ft: In a sense, but not really. I still have shelter and clothes and a shower and an address and credit cards if emergencies pop up. But, every Saturday I will withdraw seven 5 dollar bills and go grocery shopping on Sunday. Whatever I do not spend on groceries will be "snack cash".

WSJ: A soda is going to become a real treat.

ft: That's point. To start realizing what I've been taking for granted for so long, and appproach, not attain, solidarity with the world's impoverished people.

WSJ: Are you a hippie?

ft: I should smack you in your mouth. I'm no hippie. I'm an American.

WSJ: Do you like Jimmy Joe Roche?

ft: We've collaborated a few times. He's a little too much into shock value for my taste, and I gave that up years ago.

WSJ: What about 39 West Lex?

ft: Listen, I never said that Iraq = al Qaeda = 9/11. I may go live in a swanky place. So be it.

WSJ: Is the journey for living on less just preparation for moving into a place that is beyond your lifestyle... are you testing to see if you can live on beans and rice so that you can dump hundreds of millions of cents and the blood of America's sons and daugthers into a higher rent payment on a Southwest Credit Card so that you get free tickets as well?

ft: We really are getting off track here.

WSJ: I will Black Monday your @$$ - answer the question.

ft: It could be spun that way.

WSJ: [rips off mask, to reveal Karl Rove was the interviewer all along] I suppose it could be, couldn't it.


*fin*