QOTD

"Today we dodged a bullet. In fact, when you look at the type of weapons that this group was trying to purchase, we may have dodged a lot of bullets." -FBI Agent J.P. Weiss

From this.

J.P. Weiss strikes me as the kind of guy who turns a phrase during auto-erotic acts. I'm sure it is similar to what I hear my neighbor saying at 3AM at night:

"I'm awesome. Girls love me." - Apt. 4910, 3AM

You've just been McCained.

Man, this Google employee should have searched his heart before tackling the war with a POW bonafide hero (the bonafide distinguishes McCain from Kerry).

And, I've heard of World Orgasm Day (the results) and participated with my eyes closed, so I don't know if it counts. And now the Whacky-Wack-off-athon was brought to my attention by Caffo, who reminded me I should always knock before entering his office.

English, and the way to speech it

I was stumped on the lead/led debate, for the first time in my life. I remember explaining it (correctly) when I was in fourth grade to someone who was having trouble on their spelling tests, but I could not think of it today.

And via the web, found this list of common English errors.

Now if I could only erase the Romanian Error that is plaguing my health.

Now if only the web could tell me how to type "just kidding" in Romanian, I'd be set.

Not that I'd type it, but just for the sake of knowledge.

Speaking of sports -

Two of my favorite collegiate football players are now on the same professional team.

Bradlee Van Pelt is known for his intensity and garnering my support during games in which he played my alma mater. I've been in more brawls about him than he has been in his life. He's 6'2 220, the height I am; the weight I once was.

Amobi Okoye is a genius who entered college at 16 and graduated early with a non-communications, non-business degree in 3.5 years. Oh - and he played collegiate football the whole time and did it well enough to be drafted 10th overall in this most recent 2007 draft. At 19 years of age. He is 6'2'', 302 lbs, the age I used to be, the height I am, the weight I'm destined to be.

I think it's about time I bought me up a Texans cap.

Yee-haw.

They took hatred and made it a sport.

I hate texting. It destroys most of my cinema experiences as of late. I have no idea why some kid would pay 8 bucks to "see" a movie and spend 30 minutes of it texting "Hey wassup? ;-P" only to wait for the reply, "no much dirdee dawg :-0" only to reply "in movie. meet l8r?" to get the reply "no, crrntli mking out with ur mom." to reply "which 1???" to be replied with "da one with them big ol b00b13z!? :*# " to only reply this with "kewl. save me slice of dat axion! ;-)"

All the while we realize the full circle of Matt Damon's complex, but not explicitly revealing character in The Good Shepherd while he hugs his son on what was to be his wedding day.

Well, texting is now a sport, with classic man v. machine races.

Just keep the practicing out of the theaters.

No, no. I'll just keep myself out of the theaters.

My kid's name is Intestinal Fortitude.

If you thought having a niece named Zipporah, and a nephew named Arrow was too much, imagine your favorite sports hero being named Will Power.

Yeah, Wiki has him too.

It is enough to make me send little Zip and little Arrow to Austraila and then bomb the place.

And in case you are wondering, my first born will be named "fantastic" (lowercase f on purpose) and my second child named "Warren." Just kidding. You know the rest, and I'm only having dos ninos.

6'2" 275 pounds

Man, this is why I do not go to clubs on "under 21 nights".

Also, FYI and BTW, I am 6'2'', 275 lbs and do not need a gun to make people feel scared.

This Wilson guy sounds like a real j-hole.

And his poor cousin - if only it was a brother. The blood between brothers is so thick...cousins are for kissing.

No. 42 has hit it out of the park, bringing home No. 42, No. 42, and No. 42 for a grand slam home run.

I Just Think This will be confusing.

Nonetheless, I'm looking forward to an image of this. Should be trippy.

Trends hit too close to home.

Amazing.

"[S]cientists have recently become increasingly concerned with what they say is a rising level of violent activity among the large mammals."

Here at Charm City U:

1) I've become more violent (think: The Wire).
2) I've become more large (the scale says 275 lbs).
3) I've become more mammalian (I'll show you sometime).

Give me sugar! I'm too ripped!

Wearing a suit exempts you from being a criminal. Ask Bill Clinton.

Also, apparently "trying diabetic medications" doesn't make you a recreational drug user.

These points, and more, inspired by THIS.

It apparently only take 15 minutes...and an audience.

My fifth grade experience was a little different than this.

Wi-fi blocking paint and with-it women

I enjoyed this blog entry on Wi-fi blocking paint.

Three things, Amigos:

1. The idea/chemical technology is sweet.

2. The fact that this Gina Hughes is purported to be a "Techie Diva" but yet attributes her Wi-fi security to her husband (presumably, a man) really makes me think that she is just allowed to write these articles to feel good about herself, instead of producing babies and driving a mini-van to soccer practice in the greater New Jersey area.

3. Her name is Gina. For correct pronunciation, see the "40-year-old Virgin."

And if any one posts a comment to the effect of "Behind every great man is a woman," I'll secretly agree with you but make fun of you on the internet so bad that my secret agreement will be of no consolation to your wounded e-soul.

Hema and Herma

The hematologists have blood rushing to certain areas over this one.

Betting man

So, my bracket was so glorious. I was winning the first round, because I had a "micro upset" theory, in which if a match happened where a team's seed was just one lower than its opponent, that team would win, and thus be a "mini-upset."

Well, now it is for naught. I lost my 5 dollars as I've reached my max points. I lost my pride because I bet a girl who entered the competition dinner insofar as who would have a high point total betwixt us (she bested me by 4 points).

So then, I decided to place a wager with the king of decision theory in the department. He had 64 points, with a potential of 80, and I was stuck at my 71. He had been taunting me all week with his stories of "what could've happened" with Xavier. So, I emailed him for a side wager, without knowing what game his 16 points depended on and what team it depended on. He definitely had the upper hand knowing what game and what team the wager would ride -

He agreed, and we went in for 5 dollars, which, if the Bruins lose against the Gators, will help me break even, as I lost 5 dollars to enter the overall bracket competition (*but wait fantasticterrific, you still owe that lady dinner! you bring to my attention.* Please, foolish one. That girl has to be seen in public with me - I definitely win).

Also, to spice it up, I will change my name to Bruins Terrific if UCLA wins, and he to Professor Alligator if Florida wins.

Motivation. Imitation.

The pacifying of children.

I wish someone would give me a sticker to make me feel better.

Square State denizens are such j-holes.

Injustice

Why the Good Lord left us Eddie Griffin and not Princess Di, I may never know.

Man, Elton John would have really been strapped to write an appropriate song for the man who gave us the Rightist Undercover Brother as well as the Leftist John Q.

If you want free heart transplants, go to frickin' Europe. I'm tired of this debate.

Remember, while Europe pioneered free health care, America invented the missionary position.

You're welcome.

My tattoo wishes

I just had "Biostats Charm City U" tattooed in my mouth.

Inspiration.

Taxing

So, I freakin' did my taxes, and I thought I was going to have a beautiful relationship with TaxActOnline.com. Things started off well enough. You have to create a user name and password, and I decided to have fun with the password, so I entered:

"TaxesAreMyBlood"

And I received the error message "your password is too common. Please try again."

I was sure the system detected the word "tax" and would not allow it, but to test this I entered:

"TaxManHumpMe"

And was cleared.

This is foreshadowing. I continued to go through the most frustrating, cryptic and irrelevant line of questioning, filling out forms that ultimately had 0's in all entries for Federal, Square State, and Charm State taxes. After hours of this, it notifies me I can only file state taxes for an additional fee. I muttered something about them having me by the fatness of my balls and got out my credit card, and then a screen dictates to me that I can only file one state's return with my Federal. So all the info I poured in to this pea-brained interface was a waste. So, I decided to file the Federal and Square state, since it was only Charm State in which I owed money.

I went directly to Charm State's free interface, and was impressed yet again (I remember last year telling all my friends in Square state (3 in all) how awesome the Maryland iFile is, and 2 of them told me I was nerd, and the other, a girl who loves to work through the ranks of Math Departments, wanted to buy me a drink. We got to talking, and she reminded me that I had performed well on the Putnam a few years back and laid a hand on my thigh and gave it a squeeze, leaned in and whispered something in my ear. It was in a bar, so I did not hear her very well, but the key words I heard were "Fourier" and "double jointed." I replied that I hadn't heard of that kind of spline and took a sip of my beer, and she left quietly after paying the tab not feeling very pretty).

I digress. Sirs, I digress.

Anyway, after using iFile, it turns out the Fat Codgers at TaxAct estimate of my owing Charm State 363 dollars was wrong, and in fact I was due 194.

And of course, they have a disclaimer waiving any responsibility.

My question is, if states have direct filing systems, why doesn't the goverment? I mean, e-file doesn't exist...you go there, and the government just syphons you off to one of a bajillion sites to file for free, and some of them look sketchier than the email subject lines in my spam folder ("tAxE$_R_aWEsoMe.com" "impressHerWithTheNewSizeOfYourREturn.com", etc).


Uncle Sam, get off your monopoly high horse, and take a page from the states' tax book.

1 in 25 million

I love it. The Vegas odds, the panache, the geek chic-ness of it all.

Jeopardy!

I wonder if there have been 25 million episodes of Jeopardy yet... but I don't know how expected values work so I shouldn't talk.

-Susquehanna reject

Baseball cards

So this is the new news.

This is the greatest news.

I don't care if I get the gum. This is priceless. Cal and Cal Jr. have big shadows...big shadows with no curse words.



Poor Billy.


~fantastic face