Identity Theft Prevention and Personal Security Maintenance

In Charm City, I do not have a paper shredder. Therefore, when the liars and cheats of Bank of America send me three envelopes each containing five sheets of paper (two of them saying I am approved for a Credit Card because of my recent Checking Account opening, and one of them saying I am denied the right to any credit card with BOA due to a 'sketchy' application - someone has their act together), I must protect my identity with three times the precaution.

Usually three times the precaution with a paper shredder involves shredding your sensitive documents once, then collecting the shreds and re-shredding them, and then like an obsessive- compulsive Nervous Nancy re-re-shredding those documents that contain social security numbers, bank account numbers, personal identification numbers, and bra-size numbers (and letter(s), I suppose).

Without a shredder, three times the precaution involves the following process:

Crumple all of your sensitive documents. Tear them up if you wish, but crumple them at least.

Fill them into a large Ziploc sac.

In a smaller, separate Ziploc sac, put in a cup of laundry detergent and a Casio Illuminator watch that doesn't work any more.

Put the smaller Ziploc with detergent and out-of-commission Casio in the larger Ziploc gingerly, without closing the smaller ziploc and without spilling the contents into the larger bag.

Squeeze some dish soap into the larger bag, distributing soap all over the crumpled papers BUT NOT IN THE SMALLER BAG.

Now, fill up the larger bag (BUT NOT THE SMALLER BAG) with hot water, so that the crumpled numbers that are so darn important are submerged, but the detergent in the smaller bag is dry.

Close up the big bag - and close it up good...or else the terrorists will win.

Now shake, massage, and embrace the bag with all your might, making sure that water is mixed into the detergent/watch Ziploc and that things are really sudsy.

Then eat it. Just kidding.

Now, stick that impenetrable mass of information into the freezer.

Let it sit for 24 hours.

Then, send it down the trash chute in your apartment complex.*


Now, if any would-be Identity Thief happens upon it, remember you are triple protected:

1) It is frozen.
2) If it melts, the ink will be all smudged from the hot soapy water and kinetic energy.
3) If he is able to read anything, he'll be too busy wondering what the watch is doing in the mess to act on ordering your size bras off VictoriasSecret.com with your credit card number.


Triple protection - no paper shredder.


*if you do not live in an apartment complex, you are probably rich enough to afford a device that exists only to shred your paper