Please feel my cans.

Apparently the formula for Dr. Pepper is not old, so is its education.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just hurt fillings from time-to-time and try to feel the void that is empty inside of me.

Yeah, I'm a taunter.

Dr. Pepper - sugar-energy for the wary, weary WWII woman worker.

Moustaches Redux

My friend made a gross out chart.

I feel the bushiness of my eyebrows and moustache were equivalent.

I put me at a nine.

Which is one short of the grossest.

Tetris

going digital

In honor of the honorable, I am trying to go digital.

And to do so, I'd like to eliminate white backgrounds and black font, to reduce the eye strain.

I found how to do so for PDFs at Yahoo! Answers

MySpace is dying.

Praise Jesus!

Now if only FaceBook would follow suit and just die.

Recognition that's not mine.

If you know what FMHS stands for, then you'll recognize two faces on this page:

CLICK HERE.

However, only one of them has been inside FMHS.

My mother lied to me. She didn't "s#(t the sheets" in 1981- she crapped out my twin.

Public Privacy

It is a touchy issue.

The article.

The video:

The Awesomest WEB stuff ever. I promise.

eaumaison pointed me to these.

From a group called FatalFarms.

Lasagna Cat.

My favorite of the above.

http://www.fatalfarm.com/tvthemes.html

My favorite of the above.







-ft

Moustache Round up

So, I shaved the beard, and to see how it would fare, sported a moustache for the last few days. The following has been my burden:

1) Being confused with a Chicago cop.
2) Being called "Lester the Molester."
3) Being called "Li'l Dave" (a crack by my father relating me to Li'l Bush and my uncle Dave)
4) Having it called a "molestache"
5) My niece punching me in the nuts.
6) Being confused with "the guy from There Will Be Blood."
7) Being confused with "the guy from No Country for Old Men."
8) Being confused with "the guy from Charlie Wilson's War."
9) Being confused with "the guy from The Ford Commercial" (Formula One Frank)
10) Being confused with my father, circa 1986.

Kellogg's just hired this cat.

My hydration plan

Over Christmas break, I want to get super hydrated. I used to be the king of hydration, lugging a gallon jug of water all over Hippie University's campus.

Now, it is nothing but Coke Zero and Cafe Americanos.

But, alas, the @$$holes at Gatorade don't think I'm an athlete.

225 lbs?

I'll get Big Baby on their case. Or Ogden.

Christmas Shopping

Don't worry, Zip. I gotcha something this year.

She grew up tall, and she grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

A website. A memory.

http://www.hellboobs.com/

This is even better than when BJ Russell, in Mr. Thomas' Algebra class, turned around and showed me "L00SE" on his calculator and asked, "Is this what your mom is?"

And, I, not understanding the ways of the world yet, replied in the affirmative.

Horse collars, punters, and returners! Oh my!

I miss football so freakin' much!

Tampa Bay has gotten its first kick return for a touchdown - ever. Devin Hester reportedly sent Michael Spurlock this note:

"Dear Spurlocker,

I wish I could have had the Bears' first. OH well. I"ll just settle for having their most.

And I slept with your wife.

Love,
Anytime"

Confidence, and the substance to back it up, is what makes Hester better than Sauerbrun, who, keeps falling down when trying to tackle pure speed.


Oh, and the horse-collar tackle rocks! I wish I had grip strength like Williams.

[insert masturbation joke ]

-unfinished terrific

Ugliness.

Daniel Day Lewis - admire his work, not his clothes. [Thanks eaumaison].

Big Baby (of the Celtics) really looks like a huge baby. I wish I could get paid 425K in one year and look like a retard. For the record, I'm only getting paid 16K while looking like a retard.

Plus, here's the issue: when I say Big Baby, I need my audience to immediately conjure up the image of this Big Baby who destroyed the Broncos in their most recent match up, getting 2.5 sacks and an interception returned for a touchdown (with the meanest stiff-arm I've ever seen). He did more in that game than Marques Harris and Andrew Walter have done their whole careers combined!

And he weighs more than them combined as well!

Is this a coincidence?

Get me a pizza, get me greatness!

-fat tangerine

Social Blunder? You wish.

So I just did a Holiday Party White Elephant gift exchange. I tried to pick a gift that was middle of the road, you know, not too big, not too small, not brightly wrapped ...etc. The goal was to select the gift and not have it stolen from me. Well, sure enough, two rounds go and my gift gets stolen.

My options were to go to the pile for a new one, or, good sirs and dames, steal.

Tooth for tooth.

Eye for eye.

I noticed a couple had brought their baby, and they had selected a big bright red gift a few rounds ago.

The baby was happily playing with that gift, enamored with the red gift paper.

Shiny.

Beautiful.

Eternal.

Well, not eternal.

I stood up, adjusted my waist band like a man, and declared, "I'm stealing from the kid."

Marched right over and took the gift.

His face was classic: shock, realization, lower lip out, eyes squint, and then -

The fireworks.

The crowd made a huge noise as the kid was about to cry, and the noise bumped him up to the 3rd tier of cry-baby.

I turned around and sat down with my gift.

I will be lambasted forever. However, we applaud Ray Croc and Bo Jackson for quotes such as

"If my competitor was drowning, I'd reach in, pull him up to the surface, and stick a hose in his mouth, and then push him under again."

and

"If you are my enemy and you have a flat tire on the side of the road, I will stop splash cold water on you, throw the bucket at you, and then speed off."

And most recently, yours truly had to add:

"If you think a baby will give you immunity from the steal-phase of a White Elephant, think the f*** again, friend."

-ft

They are Crazy.

I'm taking a class with the Applied Mathematics Department.

They have a sweet student lounge, and on the wall of said lounge, the phrase "Applied Mathematics Department." However, some clever students and an anagram engine gave me a few chuckles over my few past visitations, as I have found the following on the wall:

"Email Pimped Attachment"

"The Clap is a damp time"

And in other news: condoms make you AIDS proof.

I hope.

Bliss

I had a great thanksgiving.

I was not on the internet once (I amassed 47 emails). This is a record (4 days) for me being internetless since high school.

I did not make or take a single phone call. (Amassed 15 missed calls and 9 messages).

I wore my hoodie and pajama bottoms for at least 90% of the time.

Wednesday night I slept 14 hours. Ate, socialized. Slept 3 more. Watched "How I met Your Mother" season 2 episodes, went to bed at 1AM, slept until noon.

I love you, Tennessee.

Oh, you'll beat it, but can you smack it?

"Maybe we'll see them down the road and if that's the case, we'll beat that a-- again."

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Giants all time sack leader has spoken.

Wiki Fast

I think before Dwight Freeny even suited up on Sunday this was posted.

Lisfranc may be renamed the Law-Freeny fracture.

In fact, in my house, in my blog, it will be.

-Bone Swarr to the Frenchies